I hope Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander are having more fun as a real-life couple than they do in this dreary costume melodrama set on a blasted island somewhere off New Zealand.
Fassbender returns from the Great War eager to escape the horrors he’s seen by retreating into the hermetic existence of a lighthouse keeper.
However at the last port of call, he meets beautiful Alicia Vikander, the local dignitary’s daughter, and they fall in love via letter correspondence over the following months, a relationship they consummate on his next shore leave and soon enough they’re married and living together at the lighthouse, miles from anywhere.
One day a baby in a boat washes up on their shore, and because she’s had a couple of tragic miscarriages, she convinces him (most unconvincingly, if you ask me) to keep the baby and raise it as their own.
All’s fine, until they get back to the mainland and meet Rachel Weisz’s grieving lady. “Ooh, she’s never got over the disappearance of her husband and baby, lost at sea they were, the child would be about your Lucy’s age by now…” mumbles some mis-shapen extra.
Sorry, film fans, but this film is utter rubbish. Only Rachel Weisz is any good in it. I can’t believe Fassbender wanted to play this character, yet still surprised he couldn’t do anything interesting with it. I’m amazed at the lack of chemistry between Vikander and him. I can’t believe director Derek Cianfrance made this film, he of Blue Valentine and The Place Beyond The Pines.
How did all these terribly cool people turn out such naff work? It’s awful, unbelievable, badly written, embarrassing. And so soul-crushingly long.