Love 3D

One can only describe Argentinian-born, French-speaking director Gaspar Noe in francophonic terms such as enfant terrible and agent provocateur. Although he’s hardly an enfant any more (52 on his next birthday), he’s still provoking, he’s still quite terrible and he’s certainly obsessed with lingerie.

His latest film Love 3D ** first screened to much agitation at midnight in a one-off screening in Cannes’ most prestigious theatre, leading us all to think we need to be present at what would be a film of such daring and scandal that news of its searing sexual imagery would rock the world and plunge Cannes yet again into the sort of notoriety in which it so often revels.

No such joy. Love 3D does have good, sexy sex in it. One of the women, Aomi Muyock, is what one might call super hot, and a pleasure to watch in the buff. The other girl in the love triangle, Klara Kristin is super cool in a sort of Dazed model kind of a way. So it all suits my rather safe and traditional idea of male sexual fantasy.

The guy, meanwhile, as played by Karl Glusman, is a massive twit whose voice over is exceedingly irritating as he agonises about how he’s got into the terrible mess of having to be a Dad while he should still be having horny non-stop sex like he used to when he was bang in lust with his ex-girlfriend.

The dialogue and the corny porny situation of the characters – it really is of the “I’ve come to borrow a cup of sugar’ variety – is fantastically dull, immature and idiotic.

The sex is totally hot, though, certainly arousing, probably pornographic (if you like the boy and two girls sort of thing) and features a 3D cum shot that heads straight for your face.

Noe is always good on atmosphere, too, and gets the sexy stench of bedrooms, the lazy heat of Paris summer afternoons, the crumple of sheets and the sweat, the saliva, the sheer nibbling abandon of having good sex.

But Love? The film’s affections do not that way tend. It’s got nothing do with Love. It’s about selfishness, ego, fucking and taking drugs and hedonism and youth – all very good things, but none of them come close to being what love’s about and the characters aren’t smart enough to start thinking about such matters, or well drawn enough that we even care if they ever find what they’re looking for.